Devastating Losses

I feel as though most of the people in our lives know of our struggles at the beginning of our marriage to sustain a pregnancy. And for me to be where I am today, I have to go all the way back to then. Q and I experienced our first pregnancy in April of 2020 shortly after we got married. I hadn’t even told anyone because the day after I took the test, I began to miscarry. I quickly realized that in March, I also had a miscarriage. The way my body was responding and just knowing that my body had done the same thing the month before. We were distraught. Long story short within the next 6 months I had a total of 5 miscarriages.

During all of these losses, I wish I would have drawn closer to Jesus. After the first 3 miscarriages, we stopped going to mass and I remember sitting down with our good friend, Mr. Ivy, and his wife, Mrs. Mary. We discussed with them why we hadn’t been in church and what was going on within our marriage. We prayed together and discussed that this was all the enemy. He was pushing us away from Jesus.

After getting home that night, Mr. Ivy sent me a clip of a prophetic he follows and in her video, she was praying for those with Diabetes and specifically pregnancy. This was going on during our conversations. It was so crazy to me to hear how Jesus was speaking to us through this prophetic.

Shortly after, in July, I was pregnant again. I was so excited to see how Jesus was working until a week later, I miscarried again. After that loss, I totally closed myself off. I became pregnant again in late August that led to another devastating loss.

Right before I got pregnant with Luca, I remember having a conversation with Jesus about how I was done trying to have a baby and that if it was meant to be he would have to show up and make it happen. We do NFP, so the day after this conversation with Jesus, my ovulation miraculously bumped up two weeks. And wouldn’t you know it… I was pregnant with Luca.

Seeing that, I knew Jesus showed up for us. But I still was in a place of distrust and unbelief. After having him, I couldn’t believe he was here. Our rainbow baby after so many dark storms. My faith in between children was so touch and go. I was thankful he was earth side but so very angry, just waiting for the shoe to drop and have him taken from me.

If I could talk to myself 2 years ago, I would tell myself that there is no one who loves me more than Jesus. When I am devastated, He is right there with me. It’s hard to explain how to rely whole heartedly on Jesus until you have been handed a situation that requires that of you.

I wanted to leave a few take aways that I found helped me during these difficult months.